Fantasy in power: linguistic cleaning even with dogs and cats

Today we talk about dogs and cats, those incredible beings that we improperly include in the "pets" category. Let's say right away that they are at home because we keep them there and that not everyone is really happy, but they consider it the least worst of the alternatives. Even the most delicious kitten, however, will never make us forget that we are free by nature, and his freedom will always come first, even before his "masters", because such is his nature, as we would wonder why not a few dogs, on the first occasion, decide to change their owner enthusiastically. By the way, I wonder when (I think very soon) we will be forced to no longer use the term "master" to indicate who cares for and / or continuously gives hospitality to an animal on a daily basis. I bet a prosaic pizza that, sooner or later, but more likely sooner than later, the diktat , pardon, the Dpcm will be issued, which will suggest, with one of those suggestions whose non-observance is sanctioned, the use of one of those fantastic neologisms or acronyms that have growing success in Italy. There will no longer be the "owner" of dogs and cats but will be "passionate socially engaged in hospitality" (ie DONKEY) or "optional amateurs creatures or otherwise reasoning guests", ie FACOCERO ( Pumba , to understand). Barely past the historical phase of the coat to the cat, but only to that, because the canopy to the dog still holds, the fatiguing phase of the obligatory names ( Fuffi , Fido , Dik , Axel , Silvestro ) a new awareness (yet another modern noun of an adjective), that of the need to make our pet (another term sub judice because of the dangerous resemblance to that role of unregulated caregiver) teaches which wonderful beings we can become, if well educated.

We will become even better than those citizens who have curious plastic bottles full of water in the four cantons of the house to avoid boring and uncivilized discussions with neighbors because of the liquid dejections of their pets. However, our process of ethical and social growth will reach its climax when we have finally imposed on our pet to live as a human, to behave as such, to approve our impositions willingly, with his silence-assent. Woe to talk about the banal empathy (reserved only for demonstrators, singers, actors) and equally woe to those who simply love (sometimes very much and forever) his or her animals. Loving good is an understatement, stuff for beggars, for uncultivated doormats who even allow themselves to live outside the ZTL. Now you "love", because, as soon as you shoot cracks, it is better to shoot them big and exaggerate, but above all because the exasperation of the manifestations of affection is now a must. Kissing on the mouth between parents and children, between friends, between humans and animals is the minimum union level of civilizations required of us, below which the mediocre people lacking social certification are huddled and annoying. Only that blue of the coronavirus is limiting us in the delicious universal wet kissing, which, however, we plan to resume very soon, because we intellectuals, rigorously leftist, of kisses and "I love you" are prodigal with everyone, humans, animals and even politicians, to the point that we first enumerate the living creatures that we are not anxious to kiss rather than the other way around.

Another capital fault of the virus, which occurs to me as I write? That of forcing us to the tap of the elbow (cute and swanky, let's say it) to replace the languid kisses and voluptuous hugs to which we are accustomed, even with people of whom we even ignore the name, which we miss so much. But, poor uneducated people who read me, I explain the reason for this deprivation and, this time, in scientific terms, so that you cannot object: where have we been forced to direct the possible sneeze or cough? in the crease of the elbow, and how should we say goodbye? putting our elbow in contact with that of who we want to greet. It doesn't make a turn, does it? Now I'm not kidding: it is an obligation also imposed in official ceremonies. Basically, how to say goodbye by colliding our used handkerchief with that of others, and then re-use it. Perfect. They think of everything, those, down to the smallest details.

Going back to the bomb, it seems that in the next Dpcm there will be the automatic replacement of certain names attached to the pets: the Fuffi will become Kevin , the Balls will become Valentina , the Fido will be renamed Ale . Human names too overinflated? No come on! They are very cool names and only you, sinister reactionary sovereigns and fans of Orban (of which we ignore absolutely everything, but always makes "informed" insult someone with a blow of "friend of Orban") you can think of it. We are fantasy in power! We enlightened intellects of the left ZTL, always ready to put a knee on the ground and raise a closed fist, but always with elegance, to our cats and dogs we will give politically correct names, and we would miss it! Enough of those hideous "Nerone" or "Snowball" imbibed by your latent racism to the dog with the hair like pitch or to the white kitten. Finally, we give them names that identify us as people of higher rank and culture, perhaps calling the first "they are colored but no less respectable than a white poodle" and the second unfortunate "they are round but not fat, colored very clear but not for this old Christian Democrat and less than ever against black people ".

In short, to conclude: we show that our animals are the projection of our excellent and correct social caliber, indeed, let us completely stop calling them "ours" because they belong only to themselves; defining them as our property makes us ignoble oppressive colonialists and, between one elbow blow and the other, we entrust a new, essential, preventive evaluation commission that decides which name to attach to the cat or dog. And the anti pee plastic bottles of other people's dogs, if you really believe they are effective, are at least made of aluminum, wow! But now excuse me, I have to go to quell a start of a fight between my cats who, having finished the spring jelly, are scuffling near the bowl of crunchies. Don't worry, I will use non-violent and certainly re-educational methods, such as throwing them a very soft terry bath towel and strictly neutral color. You never know.

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This is a machine translation from Italian language of a post published on Atlantico Quotidiano at the URL on Sat, 20 Jun 2020 03:57:00 +0000.